Short-Lived Pity-Party This Morning

Over the past few days I have felt like I am in a bubble.  The world seems like it is whooshing by me at a breakneck pace while I live in my quiet Lyme Bubble.

The downside of the bubble is there is an IV pump and antibiotics, enough pills to choke a horse, nausea, strange blisters starting to appear on my face, more tremors, and pain.  This increase of symptoms is welcomed as it means the antibiotics might actually be doing something.  It is called the The Jarisch -Herxheimer, or Herxheimer reaction, was named for the German dermatologist, Karl Herxheimer (1844-1947). Dorlands Medical Dictionary refers to the Herxheimer reaction as a transient, short-term, immunological reaction commonly seen following antibiotic treatment of early and later stage [infectious] diseases which [may be] manifested by fever, chills, headache, myalgias (muscle pain), and exacerbations of cutaneous lesions. The reaction has been attributed to liberation of endotoxins-like substances or of antigens (a substance which causes an immune reaction) from the killed or dying microorganisms.

So this morning I had a pity party and cried for about thirty minutes.  I cried because I hurt; I cried because I am frustrated that I cannot get the basic responsibilities I have done; I cried because my husband has to carry a heavier load, I cry because my diminished mental capacity frustrates and baffles my husband; I cried because I am too tired to go out to dinner and see a movie; I cried because I really want to go to our new camper in Hatteras, but I have to be home for nurses to to change my dressings; I cried because I cannot properly articulate myself or explain how I feel.

I just needed to cry. 

I have not cried since the day I was diagnosed with dementia in January. I cried for ten minutes or so in the parking lot of my neurologist's office.  I called Maryann and she had me laughing in a few minutes after telling me this was great that I finally had an  "average  " IQ. I let her know that was the worst thing she could ever tell me.  She is the best. Only Maryann could have me laughing and crying at the same time.

So with my Pity-Party out of the way, I showered, hooked up my IV and put the IV ball in my pocket.  Choked down a dozen pills, made breakfast for my boys and hugged and kissed them as they set out for Hatteras.  I walked the poor dog who was equally put out by having to miss all the fun and opened all the windows to let the fresh air in on this beautiful day.

I plan to sit on my porch, read, and enjoy being in the bubble.  Of course I won't remember what I read, but I will remember that I enjoyed the smell of the ocean, the cool breeze and the fresh air.